It's all relative

First post from iPhone app

Observation

<p>The other day I walked downstairs to the sales department, which I rarely do. &nbsp;I saw a quite attractive young girl working among the sea of sales people and instantly recognized her. &nbsp;Not so much her face but the cloths she was wearing and her overall body type. &nbsp;I could not place where I knew her so I inquired about her name. &nbsp;Julie still did not ring any bells in my head so I brushed it off.</p><p>Later I was working in my 2nd story office staring at my screen which is backdropped by giant windows overlooking the parking lot when I noticed her walking to her car. &nbsp;This struck me as strange for two reasons; one, I was not looking out the window and was actually engrossed in a fairly complex problem when she drew my attention, two, I did not notice anyone else walking to their cars throughout the day.</p><p>Over the next few days I realized that if and only if Julie is walking to or from her car part of my brain is diverted from the task at hand to watch her. &nbsp;Now I understand why I recognized her, I was probably&nbsp;subconsciously&nbsp;observing her for quite a while now.</p><p>Now I actually try to look over to the window&nbsp;sporadically&nbsp;throughout the day to see if I notice anyone but even if there are people out walking around I have absolutely no interest. &nbsp;However with uncanny regularity I will take explicit notice of Julie. &nbsp;It’s actually a bit&nbsp;frustrating&nbsp;to know that I am so controlled by my&nbsp;subconscious.</p><p>This lead me to one further thought: how can I change my subconscious to effect so that it changes me in the ways I want? &nbsp;This is a difficult task that would require quite a bit of scientific research as it is such an abstract problem but I am going to attempt to compose a scenario in which I can prove that I can do it.</p>

Dreams and Amends

Growing up, sleep was one of the things I enjoyed most. I would always need to get to sleep by about 9pm to get enough sleep to feel good and rested for school or whatever the next morning. It felt so good to wake up and my outlook on life when I awoke was always cheerful and set my happy-go-lucky attitude. As my hormones started to kick in I would have vivid dreams about things like arguing with my brother and father and it became very difficult to not let those dreams effect my relationships with them in reality. Especially when my brother was constantly fighting with my father. I felt like I had to be the hero of the situation and be on both sides yet my body wanted me to be on neither.

As I went through college and went through girlfriends and started to worry a lot about how to find work and pay bills my emotions and my sleep patterns went through a subtle but constant change. Other factors that may have contributed include becoming vegitarian, breaking up with my love (then visiting her in europe), my brother leaving the church for a more conservative one and reversing religions from christian to skeptic. I felt the culmination of those changes a few nights ago. I would no longer dream, I awoke feeling like the day would be horrible, I felt bad about myself and felt like my body was missing something.

Then I took a road trip with 2 friends for a wedding in Utah. I met with my first love there and made amends with her. I drank a ton but more importantly I let myself go. I was the bartender and I swapped cloths with a beautiful blond. I did flips into their 5’ pool. I made out with one of the best kisser I have ever met. Then I slept in the most comfortable bed I have ever seen. That night I woke up early and still didn’t find much change accept I felt an overwhelming clam. I figured it was just because it was such a great trip.

When we got home I continued to think about what an amazing trip it was. Then I slept in my own bed (couch) and woke the next morning feeling wonderful. I felt rested and felt like I could immediately go back to sleep and enjoy it. The next night was the same, but this time with a vivid dream. The following two nights also extremely vivid dreams which I still remember and which are why I am writing them down before I forget.

The first was about the girl I made out with in Utah. In the dream she lured me into driving across the border with some friends. Just before we crossed the border I learned that they were illegal immigrants and I was being used to smuggle them back to the US. This gave me an immense sense of betrayal and urgency to get off of the truck and stay in the US.

The second was about my brother. It was mainly flashes of argument but then culminated with me grabbing his face, turning it towards me and, with snow gloves on my hands, punching him as hard as I can. I kept saying, “look at me and say those things”, before punching. I felt like the punches didn’t hurt him as much as I wanted so I kept punching over and over.

The third was about me and my dad sitting first in a restaurant then in a classroom talking about god and religion. He would challenge with a question then I would respond scientifically. It was a peaceful conversation in which I would not back down from a rebuttal, but I felt like he needed to believe more than he needed me to believe, so it was not right for either side to win. I also felt like, as we went into the classroom, that everyone was on my side, and I began to feel a little sorry for him.

Happy 4th of july, 2009. Here’s to a good night sleep.

дон

1/5/2009

Today I noticed several things that I now realize are note worthy. I believe I should find many more things note worthy in my life, but unless I am in the right state of mind I don’t take the time to write them down. Here is what I can think of right now.

Last night was the first time I have been to the self realization temple downtown San Diego. When I was there meditating, high and almost asleep I found myself experiencing strong feelings for Sarah. The monk told me to focus on a point between my eyes and all I could see there was her image.

The night before I had a date with Kristen. She is not much to talk about but the significance of meeting with her is the fact that I had a less than optimal time and therefore felt a bit underwhelmed for the temple. The temple also was a bit disappointing so all of today (Friday) I felt like I had to make up for the uneventful week which should have been quite eventful. So, tonight, I went out with the guys from work and got pretty drunk. I just drove home and I am still too drunk to drive.

On the way home I had the sudden realization that I was holding on to something and I need to understand the process of letting go of that thing if I want to be successful in converting anyone to my beliefs. I strongly believe in skepticism now because I never had a strong connection to religion. However, I have an incredibly strong connection to sarah (mentioned in my meditation experience) and I can’t seam to shake that connection. Therefore, how can I expect others to understand my realization about religion if I cant shake my own irrational love and devotion to sarah? The answer is that I need to find a way to sever this connection and document the process so that it is easily reproducible for the religious folk who would otherwise think it impossible to shake their belief and devotion.

Wish me luck on this quest for the answer.

Sarah exemplifies the indifference of the world